A Walking Disaster
by ckeef82
Summary: Can Stephanie go one month without being a walking disaster?
1. Chapter 1

_Stephanie and company do not belong to me, unfortunately. They belong to the lovely Janet Evanovich. Enjoy! All reviews are absolutely welcome, but please be gentle, this is my first!_

I leaned my head against the shower wall as I let the water roll down my body. The long day just began three hours ago, and I just wanted to wash it all away. Between Ranger, Joe and my FTAs I had no idea what was going on with my life. Some days I felt like a walking disaster, others I didn't, but today I thought a walking disaster might actually be a good thing. I stuck my fingers in my hair and tried to scrub the hardened ketchup out. I looked like the Weinermobile. Ketchup, mustard and hot dog juice covered me. Earlier I had chased Marcus Lawton down Stark Street when I was shoved down and the hot dog cart was pushed on top of me spilling all its innards on me. Lula, visiting Jackie, came out of the building across the street seeing my struggles and the sight of her made Lawton trip over the uneven sidewalk. As I quickly recovered and caught up to him it was just in time to cuff him and load him into Big Blue. As usual, I was in between cars. And of course, when I delivered Lawton, I was the laughing stock of the police station that day, Morelli included, of course.

"Aaaaggghhhh!!!" I screamed aloud to myself, "I hate felons and I hate ketchup and I hate mustard and I hate hotdogs and I hate Morelli!"

The only one around to hear me was Rex, but I did feel a little better. It really irked me when Morelli sided with the rest of Trenton's finest and laughed at me. More often than not, he really made me feel like a little kid. At least Ranger hid his emotions when I was amusingly stupid.

I stuck my head under the water as a tear accidentally popped out and instantly thought of one of my favorite song lyrics, "_**Strange how laughter looks like crying with no sound, raindrops taste like tears without the pain**_" by Queensryche. I chuckled lightly to myself at the frankness of the lyric. Maybe my day would get better, after all it was only eleven, and I had gotten up early this morning! If I hurried, I could make it to my mom's house for leftover pineapple upside down cake. She sent a few pieces home with me last night, but I ate them last night and this morning. Hey, I was hungry and my stomach growled and a girl's gotta answer the growl! I turned off the shower and dried.

"Cupcake!" the familiar voice called from the other room, "How's it going?"

Ugh, I did a mental head slap as I rolled my eyes to no one but myself in the mirror. I decided answering him was not what Wonder Woman would do, so I opted out. I wrapped a towel around my hair and a robe around my body and huffed by Morelli into my bedroom and slammed the door shut. I pulled on my jeans and knock-off Uggs and a brown V-Neck sweater that Valerie had given me for Christmas. I grabbed the towel and robe and traipsed back into the bathroom. Damn, why couldn't he get the hint and leave? I closed the door and blow-dried my hair, pulling it up into a ponytail. I tried to fix it a little but it looked like overcooked macaroni and gave up. I swiped on the mascara extra thick to hide behind. After my morning, I was feeling a little extra vulnerable. I twirled in front of the mirror. Not my best, but I could have done worse, especially after my entry into the Weinermobile look alike contest earlier.

I opened the bathroom door and Morelli was still there. I did my best Burg eye roll at him.

"Get out, Joe," I said flatly to him.

"Hey Steph! Nice seeing you too." Joe said smirking at me. His lips curved up and I felt my face go flush as my blood boiled more and more. He grabbed my arm, "Cupcake, why are you so mad?"

My knees went weak at his ignorance and my eyes widened, "Morelli, if you don't let me go, I'm going…I'm going to…" and I jerked my arm away from him. As I grabbed my purse and keys off the kitchen counter, I opened the door and held it for him.

"Cupcake," he said more sincerely this time, "what is wrong?" I could see his eyes melting. His cop face no where to be found.

I breathed in slowly determined to avoid the tears of anger welling behind my eyes. I was irate and he had no idea why! "The nerve of you to laugh at me this morning," my fists clenched, "I am supposed to be your girlfriend and I know I'm not good at it but dammit Joe, you make me feel stupid ALL THE TIME!" My voice raised. The more I spoke, the angrier I got. "When was the last time you stuck up for me with Carl, Big Dog and those guys? You got no balls, Joe!" I snapped my mouth shut. That was a big insult, and I was afraid I had gone too far.

Joe's shoulders slumped as he walked wordlessly to the elevator. I knew I should apologize, but I also hoped he knew I was right.


	2. Chapter 2

_Again, not my characters, they belong to Janet…but they called me to come out and play. I hope you enjoy, I wrote this chapter early in the morning, and I think I'm more inspired in the evening._

My cell phone rang and I looked to see who was calling. I looked at the phone, Ranger. "Yo," I said stealing his thunder.

"Yo yourself," he said stealing mine as I chuckled.

"I have a distraction job for you tonight. You up for it?" Ranger said.

"Who, what, when, where, why, you know, the usual," I said into the phone as I pulled up in front of my mom's house, not getting out of the car yet.

"His name is Jake Lane and you will need to be careful because he is an ex-SEAL. Tonight at 2200 we are going to Tidal, a bar owned by a friend of his. I know his friend and he won't want any altercations in his bar, he probably doesn't even know about Lane's extra-curricular activities. Lane got out of the Navy and still had guys in so he was running drugs and guns to Colombia and back. He is very dangerous." Ranger said with caution. On occasion, I think twice when it comes to international crime. Today I thought three times. I had barely been awake an hour and a half when I was covered in hot dog gunk on Stark.

I gave myself a little pep talk, ok, I can do this. Just because I had a bad morning doesn't mean I will have a bad night. And Ranger will be there to take care of me and pull me out if need be. Ok, I knew this was more of a convincing-myself-talk rather than pep talk, but it was working.

"Hello?" Ranger said, "Stephanie, are you there?"

"Oh sorry," I giggled, my private convincing speech had accidentally taken place while I was on the phone, "I was…well, whatever. I'm in. What kind of place is it?"

"Mostly ex-military. A little big of a dive, but not bad. Probably just normal clothes." Ranger said reading my mind.

I smiled at the phone and hung up. No one that works at Rangeman says bye, and they all say yo answering the phone, so I learned to adapt when I was on the phone with them.

I climbed out of the car and looked to the front door, Grandma Mazur was waiting, hands clasped in front of her and lips pursed. Her hair was grey and curled and she had on a lavender jumpsuit. She looked just like a normal grandma today. But normal grandma's I am pretty sure did not set funeral parlors on fire, try to lift casket lids and try to take on Lou Delvina alone.

Grandma opened the front door as I walked up the sidewalk and asked me how my day was. I told her good and she smiled almost with relief. I know that she is wild, but I know she still worries about me too.

"Hi Dad," I said to my dad as he sat on the couch watching football highlights.

He flicked his eyes at me, which was just as good as a hello from him and I walked through the dining room into the kitchen where my mom was taking out the deli ham.

"Hi Mom," I said to her.

"Hello, Stephanie, are you here for lunch?" she asked me.

"Yup," I said and added hopefully, "is there any more pineapple-upside-down-cake?"

She turned and smiled at me, "Yes there is."

I smiled gratefully at her.

After I was full from my sandwich and a couple of pieces of my mom's cake, I thanked her and left.

I drove by Morelli's thinking that I might stop and talk to him. His truck was there and I parked and walked up to the front door.

Before I could knock, he opened the door and stood looking at me through the storm door. He looked a little sheepish, I thought. I grabbed the storm door assertively and walked in.

"Sit down, Joe. We need to talk." I sounded much braver than I was. My insides felt like mush…in a blender.

He looked at me incredulously, but he still sat down. I wondered what he thought.

"Joe, I can't take this anymore," I was surprisingly calm, "I know that I am usually the laughing stock of the Burg and of Trenton's finest, but I need someone that loves me to stick up for me. My mother doesn't, Valerie doesn't, and you don't. Ranger at least hides it even if I am the laughing stock of Rangeman. And another thing, he always asks me if I'm ok. I don't remember the last time you checked on me before you laughed."

I paused and looked down. I could feel my courage dwindling. As much as I loved Joe he was not good for me and I knew it. I could never be his Burg wife working at the button factory or the make-up counter. That was not me and would never be.

"Joe," I began again, "I love you, but this me-you, on-again-off-again thing is not working. You're trying to force me into something I am not and I won't do it. I need to be me and you're stopping it."

I studied my hands sitting in my lap, "Joe, we're done. I'm sorry but this has to be for good."

I stood up. Boy was I tired. Sad too, but feeling really relieved. Joe stood with me and reached out to take my hand. As I pulled my hands back, I could tell he regretted his action.

"We can be friends, but not right now. I need my space," I said to him.

I turned on my heel and walked out. I felt a little tear pop out of my eye and was careful not to look at Joe.

When I got back to my apartment I was so proud of myself but I was shaking like crazy! I didn't realize break-ups were so hard on the breaker-upper too. I went upstairs to take a nap. I set the alarm for seven so could have time to get ready for Ranger's job and dozed like I was in a coma.

I opened one eye as chills ran down my back. I looked at the clock, 6:55 it said. I looked around for Ranger. I found him sitting in the living room. He was dressed a la normal Ranger, black cargos, black shit kickers and a black t-shirt with a subdued Rangeman logo. The tee hugged his arms. Who am I kidding, it hugged all of him, just perfectly. I had forgotten I only had on a tank top and Wonder Woman panties and I saw the sparkle in Ranger's eyes and a grin slowly crept across his face. I felt my face flush and tingles started. Before I knew what happened, his arms were around me. As the heat traveled south, I pushed myself away quickly.

"If you want me to be ready in time, you better cut that out!" I said, giving Ranger a stern look and scampering off to the bathroom to prep myself.


	3. Chapter 3

I came out of the bedroom in a cutoff jeans skirt, black halter top, and black FMPs. My hair hung down my back in loose curls and my make-up was slightly darker than normal.

"Is this ok?" I asked Ranger, "You and the Merry Men are the only military guys I have ever hung out with."

I saw a flash in Ranger's eyes as he nodded approvingly. I grabbed my purse and we walked out to the Bronco in the parking lot. When we pulled into the bar at 9:30, Ranger said that Tank would be outside with Hector and Lester. He and Bobby would be inside with me. Lane was to arrive around 10 and should be celebrating a big exchange just made. All I had to do was lure him outside for the boys to collect. Then Ranger broke the big news, "This is a federal case, it's not for Trenton. There are FBI agents set up in case things go awry."

As Ranger reached over to wire me, I jerked the wire out of his hands and he caught the flash of anger through my eyes. I was still silent, but I couldn't believe that he hadn't told me this was a federal case. I really hated when he left me out of the know, especially when it involved.

"You are such an ass," I said sneering at Ranger, "Why didn't you tell me that this was a federal case! How dangerous is this guy? How could you do this to me?"

An almost unnoticeable look of hurt came over his face but it instantly flashed back to blank and unreadable. "Babe, everything is going to be fine. He has gotten careless and cocky and probably isn't even carrying. You shouldn't have anything to worry about. And that is also why I am inside. I want to make sure that you are definitely ok." Ranger said stroking my face.

I smiled half-heartedly and stepped out of the car. As I walked in the bar, it was very much like the bars the Rangeman employees go to. There was nothing scary and nothing special. It was smoky with pool tables and a jukebox that you could barely have a conversation over. Almost everyone had high-and-tights and military memorabilia littered all the walls. I sat at the bar and ordered a coke from the bartender. With feds involved, maybe alcohol wasn't a good idea. By 10:30 and my third coke I was getting aggravated when I heard something through my earpiece.

"Bomber, he's walking in right now," Tank said.

I got up to go to the bathroom in case he didn't take a seat by me, I could find one by him when I got out. Walking out of the bathroom, I approached him and looked at him through my eyelashes, "Is anyone sitting here?" and bent over showing a little bit of cleavage.

"Oh, honey. You are," and he touched my back as I sat down. Maybe the cleavage was a bit too much.

I ordered a beer and we drank with little conversation, when my phone rang. I looked at the caller id, Tank.

"Hello?" I said pretending not to know who it was, "Hi honey, yes I'm here. Jessica never showed up, so I'm leaving now. I'll be home soon. Ok, bye!"

"Do you think that you could walk me out to my car?" I asked innocently, "I get nervous in dark parking lots."

His eyes gleamed as he nodded eagerly, and I thought, great.

As I picked up my purse, my bounty hunter cards came out and he picked one up, shit, shit, shit. I kicked off my shoes and ran for the door as he reached to grab for me. I got through the door and ran smack into Tank. He looked at me questioningly, but as I started to explain we heard gunfire and I hit the deck with Tank jumping on top of me. I tried to push him off as two men ran out of the building. One was limping and I immediately recognized him as Lane. Hector did too and pulled out his gun and took aim and Lane instantly went down. When I realized Ranger was still inside, I started shaking. The feeling in my stomach was incredibly unnerving. I jerked out of Tank's arms and ran inside to find exactly what I was afraid of. I knelt on the floor beside Ranger and felt tears pop out. Wiping my eyes, I blinked back the tears. Now was not the time to panic. I remembered the first aid surprisingly and attempted to check him over as Bobby walked in. I breathed a sigh of relief, because there was a lot of blood and I only knew the basics.


	4. Chapter 4

_Not mine…they belong to Janet Evanovich, as much as I wish they were._

I rocked back on my heels only now realizing my feet here shoeless. Oh well, I thought very unclearly, I have more. I watched Bobby check out Ranger and felt empty. It was really good that I only had one beer, had it been more I might have been throwing up. My stomach was auditioning for the Olympic gymnastic team it felt like. I looked at Bobby blankly, trying to form the words.

"Is he…" my words trailed off and I broke down in tears as I heard Ranger moan quietly.

"We need to get him to the doctor," as Bobby stabilized him and picked him up with the help of Hector.

Back at Rangeman, Bobby helped Ranger to the second floor where the in residence doctor lived. I paced back and forth in the hallway wringing my hands waiting for news. This was my fault. How many freaking times was I going to let this man shed blood for me? I couldn't take this anymore. Why was I such an idiot? My thoughts abruptly ended as the doctor walked out with a solemn look on his face.

"Talk," I screamed at him through tears, "Is he ok? Can I see him? Is he awake?"

"Whoa, Bomber," the doctor said as Bobby, Tank, Hector, and Lester appeared behind him, "The bullet hit his arm. The blood loss was a little his and a little Lane's. That is why what you were seeing looked much worse than it actually was. He is going to be fine, he just needs to rest for a couple days. Are you ready to see him?"

Before he got the question out of his mouth, I flew past them and into the apartment. I found Ranger in the spare bedroom that had been set up as a doctor's office. He was sitting up but still looked a little pale. I stopped just short of him fearing he would be mad at me. If someone had gotten me shot as many times as I had gotten him shot, I don't know if I would talk to them anymore. I figured I was quickly running out of freebees. I wasn't sure I liked myself for doing this to the man I loved either.

"Steph, are you ok?" Ranger asked, sounding perfectly fine.

I nodded sheepishly wondering how he seemed perfectly fine and knowing I should be the one asking that question.

"You?" I replied in a meek little voice.

"Babe," was all he said.

"I'm so sorry Ranger, I didn't mean to get you shot. I never mean to get you shot. I understand if you don't want me to do distractions anymore." I said examining the floor.

"Are you sure you're ok? You have been different today. Is your mom bothering you about the button factory again?" he said, knowing she bugged me a lot lately.

How his ESP worked, I never understood. He didn't exactly hit the nail on the head, but I tried to be normal since I had broken it off with Morelli. Sure, I still loved him. I always would, but I couldn't marry him. Hell, I couldn't even date him. We were such a volatile couple it would never work permanently. Rings and vows surely wouldn't help.

"Morelli," he paused, "Just go to him, Steph."

He looked away from me with disappointment in his eyes. I took a step towards him and took his hand. Apparently the loss of blood clouded his ESP. I kissed his cheek and smiled. I realized that no matter how much of a wimp I was, Ranger was not and the bullet hole in his arm was farthest from his mind.

"We are done," I said, "Joe came over this morning and we had a fight. Actually, I yelled. I yelled like I never yelled at him before. I was meaner than I meant to be. I thought he would do the Italian thing, but he just sulked to his car. It was very uncharacteristic of him." I continued explaining that I went to his house after lunch and the talk we had.

"Babe," he grabbed my hand and pulled me close. He kissed me. It was warm and felt good, "I'm ready to go home now," he said standing up.

Not realizing Bobby and Tank stood behind me, they approached Ranger quickly helping him stabilize himself on the ground. I saw he was still a little shaky and thought to myself, this seems a little worse than the doctor says.

"Come with me, Steph," Ranger said, "we should talk."

I nodded and followed Bobby, Tank, and Ranger to the elevator and up to Ranger's apartment. I racked my brain trying to figure out the conversation Ranger intended to have, but thought of nothing.

Bobby and Tank gently placed Ranger on the couch and told him to stay put for a while. They told us they would re-dress his wound in the morning and left for the night. I realized it was midnight and a little yawn escaped.

"Babe," Ranger started, "why didn't you tell me about Morelli?"

I looked at him, then at the floor, then at him, and well…you know how that goes. There was no easy answer to this question.

"I, I, I don't know," I said quietly. Things have been so crazy lately. My bounty huntering skills hit an all time low and the button factory actually sounded like a nice vacation.

"Babe, it will get better," there he went doing his ESP thing again.

"Well, I was thinking about becoming an alcoholic, but I barely hang on to three beers," I said.

Ranger gave me a wolf grin and laughed, "Yeah, you wouldn't be very good at that. Why don't you start small? No disasters for one week. Then move it up."

I glared my best Burg glare at Ranger, he knew my sensitivity level peaked at my job.

"Babe, I'm serious. Do you think I started out with high dollar bonds?" he asked.

I shrugged, "I always figured you did because of your experience in the Army."

"No, babe. I probably could have handled higher than most beginners but I my reputation, well I had none, so I started small. And I don't have that great spidey sense either!" he stroked my cheek.

This put hope in me, I never thought about that, "I worked for Vinnie for three years, though," I said discouraging myself again.

"Look, I'll make you a deal," Ranger said, exasperated, "I know you depend on this to make ends meet. You can still work for Vinnie and as you get better, take on more clients. I'll have you here training and doing searches to help with the money. You really should be pretty proud of yourself because you've had training, except a little bit here and there. Daily training would be a huge help. And I promise you will make Jeanne Ellen Burrows look like Strawberry Shortcake."

I laughed at that but couldn't help feeling belittled at least a little bit.

"I'll think about it," I said as a big yawn escaped, "I need to go home and get some sleep."

"Babe, stay with me tonight," Ranger said looking at me through his eyelashes and making my heart flutter, "it's the least you could do since you got me shot."

I threw a pillow at him and headed to the bedroom to change.


	5. Chapter 5

_I don't own them, just play with them. They belong to Janet Evanovich. I have no medical background, so bear with me through some of the medical stuff if it doesn't make sense._

"_Beep-beep-beep-beep,"_ the alarm clock blared at me and I looked at the 6:30 disapprovingly, but it wasn't backing down. I slapped it and buried my head in the pillow breathing in deeply the scent of Ranger's sheets.

"Babe," Ranger said softly but assertively, "it's time to get up, your training starts today. We're also starting the One-Week-Challenge."

I looked at Ranger and smirked at the title he had given his seeming hair-brained idea. I was so not feeling that this would work, but I was more than willing to give it a shot. Need I mention again, my track record was TERRIBLE!

After I dressed, Ranger and I went down to the gym to begin my training. Of course, first step—running, my favorite. I got on the treadmill and did my required mile and a half. After I knocked that out, Hank showed up for some hand-to-hand combat. Twenty minutes later, kick-boxing and twenty minutes after that, I was released to shower. Heading upstairs, I felt gross and sweaty but a little tougher, so all was well in my little Stephanie Plum-world. In the shower my mind wondered to the Batcave. I was still in the dark about where it was and it aggravated me just a little. I don't know why, Ranger had no obligation to tell me, but it must have been that Burg-curiosity deep within.

I looked in the mirror after I was done, black cargo pants (I even had Tank come up to teach me how to blouse them), black boots, and my specially ordered black button-up Rangeman shirt. I had teased my hair Jersey-style and gone full out with the make-up. Yup, I was definitely feeling badass today! I smiled confidently at myself, YIKES! As I smiled, I got lipstick on my teeth. I giggled though and fixed it.

"Wow, White Girl!" Lula exclaimed, "You look badass! What has happened to you?"

I smiled at Lula and Connie, "If this is going to be my job, I need to be good at it. I need to dress and look the part. I need to be able to make rent and eat on my own without relying on my mom's food," I said assertively, "I'm tired of being the butt of everybody's jokes and am going to do something about it."

"Good for you," Connie exclaimed, "Because I have a couple more skips for you."

"I'm all over it," I said as she handed me the files.

I sat down on the couch and pulled out my other three files. I sorted them by the time I thought they would take. Mooner, number one, I checked out the TV Guide and in two hours, the Star Trek marathon was over. Jonathan Rosetti was a guy I went to high school with. Apparently he had been out of the country on business so I figured that one would be easy. Jolene Prescott ran her boyfriend over with a car, I can relate so another easy one. Jessica Darden had a heap of unpaid parking tickets that landed her in a world of trouble, but she looked easy. Sophia Ornelas was the last file I looked at. She had been married twice, and both husbands wound up dead. It appeared her first was ruled accidental drowning, but after the second husband's death, the case was re-opened and ruled murder. Her second husband died of toxemia, NOT accidental.

Great, I thought, this chick is crazy. Hopefully I can handle it. No need to get myself down just yet.

"Well, I should get started, I really have a lot of work to do! I'm doing searches at Rangeman part time now, in exchange for some training," I told Connie and Lula.

Lula raised her eyebrows and I was out the door before I got the third degree. I stopped by the bakery and grabbed two dozen donuts before heading to Mooner's. I walked into his house and a couple guys I had taken in before jumped up and started to run out, but Mooner's greeting made them stop and return to their seats.

"I come bearing gifts," I said as I pulled the boxes of donuts and took two Boston Cremes out, "after the marathon can we go check you in and re-bond you?"

Mooner grunted a yes and I settled in for the last hour of the marathon. After I took in the Mooner and my next three FTAs, I returned to Rangeman for a late lunch with Ranger. I wanted to tell him about my latest and greatest FTA.


End file.
